Dysphoria

**Written Feb/Mar 2011** 


2 poems written when life just stunk; maybe you know the feeling:
Dysphoria

My pen fell and there it lay

Across the pages I had written

Where you were that day

I can’t say but I was smitten

And wrote for us a song

That I’ve been singing ever since

My word stopped in mid-stroke

As tears fell hard to smudge the ink

My throat gasped, I was choked

My sailing heart begin to sink

I’d never known drowning

Would come so naturally

I couldn’t turn around and look you in the eyes

I knew the tears they held would be the end of me

Your weighted words caught me by surprise

And brick by brick they brought me to me knees

I tried to stop this page from turning

I tried to keep this book from burning

But wind and fire made the call

So now I can’t read at all

Tears make it hard to see

Please dysphoria leave me be

Indiscernible

I heard your words, they sounded like pain

As all my world was pouring rain

And I couldn’t hold on to staying sane

Beneath your words that dealt such pain

I heard your voice, it sounded like hurt

As they whispered softly that I was dirt

Lovingly suggesting that's all I'm worth

While you just walk, and I just hurt

I heard your assurances, they sounded like lies

Although your school may have made you wise

I feel as though I can still see your eyes

Telling me, begging me to believe in lies

I felt my face, it felt like tears

As I tried to forget those fateful years

That bid me to my greatest fears

And slowly broke me, reduced to tears

I felt my mind, it felt like ire

As I battled with so much conflicting desire

And struggled to pull myself out of the mire

Of sadness and hurtness and anger and ire

I felt my heart, it just felt shattered

Trust, hope, dreams, shamelessly battered

While sanity and fairness quickly scattered

That terrible day when my heart was shattered

I wish it mattered

To you

Gaited Step

She walked, like she did sometimes

Confident, but with a broken step

And she felt his eyes on her spine

Like somehow they mattered

But they never had

His eyes, like others before them

Were searching for a meaning that wasn’t there

And so they saw her, because she let them pass through

Because she knew they’d wander away

Past the broken step of her confident gait

Some eyes mattered, and never saw

For that was when her gait faltered over the cracked cement

The broken step was all there was to see

She walked, like she did sometimes

Confident, but with a broken step

Forced her head to stay upright

Wrenched her eyes away from the cracked cement

Hunched

Shoulders hunched

Neck tight

And that whiplash is flaring up again

Because I can’t think or at least not straight

Just crooked

You left me

But it’s not like I should be surprised

Pretty sure I’m just leavable

There’s higher heights to be reached, after all

Girls who know what it is to be alive

This isn’t living

Or at least I hope not

Please God don’t make me do THIS eternally

You may call it heaven

But that’s how I imagine hell

Not all of it, I mean

Just the part where you do something only for it to be undone

Or you love someone, only to have them walk away

Or you hurt for someone, and there’s nothing you can do

Or you do something, and you don’t know why

Or at least you don’t think to ask… why?

They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

But maybe it’s just killing you slower

Than you ever thought possible

Insidious tears in the fabric of your being

Allowing life to drip out without your awareness

Look

Don’t think

Look

Now think

What did you see?

Was that who you are or who you were?

Was that who you wanted to be?

Do you look the same from the inside as the outside?

Exhaustion

That’s what I see

And for what?

I don’t know

No time to think

And yet no time not to

Look Up

Look up at me

Or at me, I mean

I guess for you, it’d be looking down

Yeah, that’s what I get

For being less than average

Height

Tell me what I want to hear

Or rather… the truth

I guess that means it’s going to hurt

But I guess that’s what it takes

For me to move

On

Take my hand, come with me

Or better, stop and think

And walk the way you need to

I suppose I need to learn too

How it feels to watch you walk

Away

Love me

Heck, just pretend you do

I know that it won’t mean a thing

But if I close my eyes real tight

I can imagine this moment

Lasts

Keep me safe

Or at least let me down easy

I guess that’s how it works in real life

When I’m just not your type

And I know that I will never be

Enough

Walking By

If I fell into step with you for one day,

Would I ever be able to bear with your pain?

Would my shoulders slump,

Would my insides shudder?

Would my heart give way,

Or could I see something better?

Would I stand as life took its blows on my back?

Could I think just one time without dwelling in lack?

Could I walk as you walk past my skeptical glare?

Would I look as you look with your misty-eyed stare?

Where would I go as I watched my home crumble?

How could I walk on as my family stumbled?

What would I do if I lost all I've known?

How would I cope if I were alone?

I've blamed you,

I've cursed you,

I've left you for dead.

I've bruised you,

And beat you,

What's wrong in my head?!

I think these 4 walls that I've boxed myself in

Demonstrate how I'm strong and I'll fight and I'll win.

But I forget these 4 walls are a trap with no view,

No window to see what's right or what's true.

Because if I tore a wall down to see what I'd see,

I'd realize the real problem's not you, it's me.

Ball & Chain

Congrats, today's your day

Take these keys and drive away

You've got new wings

You've found new life

It's time to fly

100 miles per hour, wind through your hair

I should've known how much you cared

Cut these chains loose, adventures calling

Now you're free & I'm free falling

I should've known, but I saw too late

To my best friend, I was dead weight

Ball & chain

Run faster, don't look back

Don't lament the widening gap

I've got it covered

For us both

No need to fret

When you said you needed me, I was flattered

Now while your heart soars, mine's still shattered

Here I thought stripes were just your thing

But to you they were a prison game

How was I to know that by holding you up

I'd be the last thing dragging you down?

(*written June 2010*)

Perfect Failure

I'd like to introduce you to me
I take myself too seriously
I find that when someone isn’t impressed
I can’t seem to put my mind at rest
I feel that I must prove myself
The important matters hit the shelf
As I try to show that their terribly wrong
To assume I couldn’t nail a song
Or fight a good fight
Or serve Jesus right
Or help when they find themselves in a plight
Or keep my room clean
Or be nicer than mean
Or pull off the skinniest skinny jean
And though I struggle and strive as I might
I still never quite manage to get it all right
And while trying to prove that I’m the 8th world wonder
I think I seem to imply that my life is a blunder
One of epic proportions might I add
For the overall picture is really quite sad
Don’t know where I’m going, so often forget where I’ve been
Can’t come to grasp with all the things that I’ve seen
I can’t deal with people in most social settings
When I see new faces I find myself sweating
In sports I’m pathetic so please don’t press
And no, I don’t really know how to dress
In school I do well but find myself slipping
When they try to teach me reality gripping
Cause between theory and practice stands quite a gap
One I tend to trip on and hit the floor with a slap

But just when I start to think it’s not worth it
Jesus walks up, sees me, and says, “Perfect!!”
“I can’t show off my strength if you’re already ripped
Or display my justice if your scales aren’t tipped
Or give you my smarts if your mind is flawless
My righteousness if you’ve never been lawless
And step by step with me you’ll be refined
From your body to your soul to your heart to your mind
And you can say to yourself ‘It’s gonna be ok.’
‘Cause you really will be whole one day
And until then my forgiveness won’t expire
This river of love, it never gets drier.”

So really I’m living an extraordinary existence
In which I leave behind mere subsistence
And embrace a meaning that goes beyond my broken pride
The place where that old me gave up and died
Carrying me onward is Jesus, my hero
And I’m honored to take up the title of zero